{(display:"reset")}Oh hi! I know you! You live in the...
(link: "Breadbox")[(set:$home to "breadbox")(goto: "whoYouAre")]!
(link: "Fridge")[(set: $stat's 1st to 1)(set:$home to "fridge")(goto: "whoYouAre")]!
(display:"footer")
<!--
1:Stale?
2:Buttered?
3:Cheesed?
4:Wet? (milk)
5:Grilled?
6:Toastiness?
7:Bi/quadrisected?
-->You're (display: "u")! I'm nobody. Just the voice in your (display: "u")-head narrating your thoughts and ambitions. It's not as good as being bread(if: $you is "stale bread")[ (even the cold, unappetizing, stale sort)], but a gig's a gig.
Speaking of which, we should do something today!
[[Heck yeah! Let's exit this $home and hop aboard the ol' bread-legs|legs]]!
[[Nah, I'm content just bein' a $you today|earlyEnd]].Well, you had a good day as $a (display:"u"). You lived your best life. Time to take a (print:(words:$you)'s last)-nap.
(display:"endMenu")Oh, (display: "u"), you look so silly on your bread-legs.
[[Fair point, I'll go back to navigating the world as a normal bread|centralHub]].
[[That is incredibly rude and has drained me of my energy for the day|legsEnd]].Here we are, then, floating in the wonderful world we call the kitchensphere. Just $a (display: "u")(if: (history:)'s last is "legs")[ without legs] and a me. It's not a bad world - after all, your $home is here. All sorts of other neat things, too, like (if: $home is "breadbox")[a fridge, ] a toaster, a stove with some pots'n'pans, a big ol' knife, and a box of bread food. So what's next for us today?
[[Oh heck yeah, I want some bread food|breadFood]]!
[[Let's hit that sweet chilly cave known as the fridge|fridge]].
[[Let's hit that sweet non-chilly non-cave known as the stove|stove]].
[[Toaster time, baby|toaster]]!
[[I'd like to see a knife about a slice|knife]].
[[End your day here, in the kitchensphere. End your day kitchenhere|end]].(set: $eaten += 1)
Mmm, that's good bread food! (if: $eaten > 2)[You are starting to get full, however.]
(if: $eaten < 5)[[[Eat more|breadFood]].](else:)[[[I'm so so so so full, but I still crave bread food|choke]]!!!]
[[That's enough bread food for now, thanks for the bread food|centralHub]]!Do you have any idea how much tryptophan is in bread food? It's like... a lot. You have straight up passed out with your (print:(words:$you)'s last)face stuffed in a box of bread food. It's... embarrassing, you should be embarrassed. Kidding, it happens to the best of us!
Sleep well, you over-satiated (display:"u").
(display:"endMenu")Oho! (if:(history:)'s last is "centralHub")[With the breadliest of powers, you open the door to](else:)[It's] (if: $home is "fridge")[your home, ]the fridge! The light glows a glowy glow, the air has a chilly chill. Inside is a jug of Pilk's Milk, a big buncha cheese, and a butter turkey. Oh, and now you're in there, I suppose. Just a chilly chilly (display: "u").
I reckon that means I'm in there too. Brr. Well, what to do, what to do...
[[Let's check out that sculpted animal made from the fats of a different animal|butter]]!
[[Gonna sidle on up to that cheeeeese|cheese]].
[[Ah yes, Pilk's Milk|milk]]!
(if:$closed<1)[(link: "Close the door")[(if: $home is "fridge")[(set:$closed to 1)(goto:"doorHandler")](else:)[(goto:"grueFridge")]].(if: $home is "breadbox")[..]
[[Leave the fridge|centralHub]].](else:)[(link:"Open the door")[(set:$closed to 0)(goto:"doorHandler")].]
[[End your day here, chillin' in the fridge|fridgeEnd]].The Great Stovini, making things hot since 1972! It's a gas range, the preference of a discerning (print:(words:$you)'s last) like yourself. Its burners are topped with a kettle, a couple of pots, and a nice grillin' griddle pan. Made of the coziest of cast irons, the pan is the obvious choice for a (print:(words:$you)'s last). You lie down in it and pull up your pan-blanket. Your planket.
(if:$stat's 6th >2)[You're a bit too charred to want to fire up the ol' Stovini right now.](else:)[You can reach the 'BLAST FIRE' button. Keeping this depressed seems like a very tiring way to cook a thing. I guess that's why Stovini Enterprises ceased operations in less than a year. Stovini Enterprises, making things hot for a brief period in 1972!
[[Press 'BLAST FIRE'|blast]].]
[[Leave The Great Stovini|centralHub]].
[[End the day swaddled up in your metallic bed|stoveEnd]].Your old friend, Toastbot 1999. When Dr. Breaddles set out to invent the perfect toast-making robot in the year 2001, things were looking good! The prototype Toastbot was able to call out for a bread to come over, carry on a therapeutic conversation with the bread, and even begin the toasting process so the bread didn't have to! Unfortunately, funding dried up and Dr. Breaddles was left releasing an ordinary (albeit very sturdy!) toaster. It reminded her of the dark days of the 20th century, thus she named it Toastbot 1999.
(if: $stat's 3rd > 0)[Well, it's nice to visit and get a history lesson, but sandwiches don't fit in the Toastbot 1999. [[Let's go back|centralHub]].]{(else:)[Anyway, now you're sitting in it! It's pretty comfy. Dr. Breaddles definitely knew what breads like. Toastbot has a 'TOATS' button if you want to get your toast on. Dr. Breaddles definitely did not know how to proofread.`
`(if: $stat's 6th is 3)[You're already beyond TOATSed, no more TOATSing for you.`
`](else:)[(if: $stat's 4th > 0)[You are very, very wet. Pressing the button probably isn't advisable.`
`]`
`
(link: "Gotta press 'TOATS'")[(if: $stat's 4th > 0)[(goto:"toatsEnd")](else:)[(goto:"toats")]].]`
`[[Let us leave ol' Toastbot|centralHub]].`
`[[I'm done for today, it's just so comfy here|toastEnd]]!]}(if: $stat's 7th <2)[(if: (history:)'s last is not "knife")[You wander over to the knife. It's a nice knife. Nice knife nice knife nice knife... that has quite a ring to it, doesn't it? Forged from a piece of sword steel that was too small for forging swords, some say this knife still has the power in it to slay dragons, get stuck in stones, and other swordly things. You mostly just use it for bread tasks, though. It really is a nice knife.](else:)[Zwwwwwwwiissshhhhh!!! The sound of a swordly knife knifing through $a (display: "u")! So satisfying.(set: $stat's 7th +=1)]
(if:$stat's 7th<2)[[[Knife that slice|knife]]!](else:)[Whew, that's enough knifing for now!]
[[Visiting the knife was nice (nice knife), but I'm done here|centralHub]]](else:)[You're already in four pieces, which is quite a lot of pieces for a (print: (words: $you)'s last). [[Let us return|centralHub]]].{(set: $you to "bread")
(if: $stat's 3rd > 0)[(set: $you to "cheese sandwich")(if: $stat's 5th is 1)[(set: $you to "grilled " + $you)]](else-if: $stat's 6th >0)[(set: $you to "toast")]
(if: $stat's 3rd is 4)[(set: $you to "duper-super extra cheeserrific " + $you)](else-if: $stat's 3rd > 1)[(set: $you to "extra cheesy " + $you)(if: $stat's 3rd is 3)[(set: $you to "extra " + $you)]]
(if: $stat's 6th is 0)[(if: $stat's 1st is 1)[(set: $you to "stale " + $you)]](else-if: $stat's 6th is 2)[(if:$stat's 5th is 1)[(set: $you to "golden brown " + $you)](else:)[(set: $you to "toasty " + $you)]](else-if: $stat's 6th is 3)[(set: $you to "burnt " + $you)]
(if: $stat's 2nd > 0)[(set: $you to "buttery " + $you)(if: $stat's 2nd > 1)[(set: $you to "very very " + $you)]]
(if: $stat's 7th is 1)[(set: $you to "bisected " + $you)](else-if: $stat's 7th is 2)[(set: $you to "quadrisected " + $you)]
(if: $stat's 8th is 1)[(set: $you to "chatty " +$you)]
(if: $stat's 10th > 0)[(set: $you to "already-been-chewed " + $you)]
(if: $stat's 4th > 0)[(set: $you to "wet " + $you)]
(if: $stat's 9th > 9)[(set: $you to "oh-so vain " + $you)]
(if: $you's 1st is "o" or $you's 1st is "a" or $you's 1st is "e")[(set:$a to "an")](else:)[(set:$a to "a")]
(if: $grueTime > 3)[(set: $you to (uppercase:$you))]
<!--
1:Stale?
2:Buttered?
3:Cheesed?
4:Wet? (milk)
5:Grilled?
6:Toastiness?
7:Bi/quadrisected?
8:Chattiness?
9:Vanity?
10:Chomped-ness?
-->
}$youHey, the light really does go off when you shut the door!(set:$grueTime to 0)
(display:"grueCore")(if: $stat's 2nd <2)[
What a marvelous creature! America's first bird! The great gobbler itself, rendered in the finest medium known to bread: BUTTER!!! It's missing its head, of course, because someone used it in a tiny cake, but otherwise... it's magnificent. Well, we only have a couple of options here(if: $stat's 2nd >0)[, and we're already more buttery than not]...
(link: "Butter up, buttercup")[(set: $stat's 2nd += 1)(goto: "butter")]!
[[Wait, nah|fridge]].](else:)[(if:(history:)'s last is "fridge")[You're already coated in](else:)[Holy moly,] so much butter. Too much butter. [[Back to the fridge|fridge]].]{(if: $stat's 3rd is 1)[(if: (history:)'s last is not "fridge")[Hey, you're a sandwich now! Aces!`
`]]}(if: $stat's 3rd <4)[(if: (history:)'s last is not "cheese")[We arrive at ]Mt. Cheese, a humungous lump of Colby from that trip we took to Wisconsin last month. It definitely weighs more than you, (display: "u"), and almost certainly weighs more than (if: $home is "breadbox")[your home (the breadbox)](else:)[a bucket of rocks], a small pupper, and a sack of potatoes. Hey, we should check in with potatoes!
W(if: $stat's 3rd >0)[ell, we've already got a bit of cheese to us, w]hat shall we do atop Mt. Cheese?
(link: "Get our cheese on, what else?")[(set: $stat's 3rd += 1)(goto: "cheese")]!
[[Call out for potatoes|potatoes]].
[[Wait, nah|fridge]].](else:)[
Mt. Cheese is a shadow of its former self, you absolutely decimated that thing. [[I think it's best if we fridge on out of here|fridge]].](if: $stat's 4th <2)[(if: (history:)'s last is "milk")[The Pilky Milky refreshes you so much! You are the strongest (display: "u") in the kitchensphere! You did soak yourself in milk, however. Small price to pay!(set: $stat's 4th += 1)](else:)[
Pilk's Milk: it does a bread good! A blend of the milks of several milky beasts, aged for 18 months on charred balsa wood staves. You'd been saving this bottle for a special occasion, and finally popped it last week on your 24th bread-day! Stare at it as long as you'd like, or...]
[[Dronk that Pilk|milk]]!
[[Wait, nah|fridge]].](else:)[
You're feeling the effects of the milk pretty heavily. By that I mean you are a sopping wet mess of a (print:(words: $you)'s last). [[Back to the fridge|fridge]].(if: (history:)'s last is "milk")[(set: $stat's 4th += 1)]](if:$closed<1)[Okay, interesting choice, we're just going to waste a bunch of fridge- volts by leaving that door open, and we're going to camp out here tonight! Cool!](else:)[No better place to call it a day than your home.]
(display: "end")You shout "Potatoes!!!" so loudly that I need to plug my ears. Which I guess are also your ears? Anyway, potatoes isn't that far away, you can keep it down a bit.
*"Hiiiiii, (if:$nm<1)[bread](else:)[(print:(words:$you)'s last)]!"*
{(if: (words:$you)'s last is not "bread" and $nm<1)[`
`[[Reply, "Actually, I'm (print:(words:$you)'s last) now!"|newName]]]}
[[Reply, "Hiiiiii!"|hiiiiii]]
[[Stop talking to potatoes|cheese]].You press 'TOATS' and...
*BROOOOIING!*
Hey, you just got (if: $stat's 1st is 1)[warmer (and less stale)(set: $stat's 1st to 0)](else:)[toastier(set: $stat's 6th += 1)]! Go look in a mirror, you're a brand new you! Toastbot 1999 sure is a reliable toaster.
(if: $stat's 6th is 3)[Well, you're basically a charcoal now. No more TOATSing for you](else:)[[[Press 'TOATS' again|toats]]].
[[Go look in a mirror, that was a great idea|mirror]]!
[[Enough of toast time|centralHub]]!
[[Let's end our day all warm'n'cozy in Toastbot|toastEnd]].Honestly, a good call. It is so, so comfy in this toaster. Dr. Breaddles may not have been able to make a fully automated robotic toast experience, but she made one heck of a good bed.
(display: "end")(set:$stat's 9th +=1)You approach the mirror. You see a(either: "n absolutely divine"," radiant"," perfect example of a","n incredible"," delicious-looking"," stunning"," breathtaking","n unbelievable"," gorgeous") (display: "u").
[[I'm done fawning over myself, back to Toastbot|toaster]].
[[More fawning|mirror]]!*`*`Sigh`*`*
Dr. Breaddles was not able to make a toaster capable of warning you about the dangers of mixing highly conductive Pilk-a-Milk with electricities. But I did warn you! I did! And you didn't listen, you silly (print:(words:$you)'s last). Toastbot 1999 shot out all manner of sparks and flames before partially melting and welding itself shut. Frankly, Toastbot is so comfortable that it's... not a bad place to spend tonight, or the rest of your life, or whatever. This went rather well, actually!
(display:"end")(display:"reset")
(set: $stat's 1st to 1)
(set: $home to "fridge")
(goto: "centralHub")(display:"reset")
(set: $home to "breadbox")
(goto: "centralHub")*"Oh, how terribly rude of me!"* says potatoes.(set: $nm to 1)
[[Reply, "Oh, don't be silly, potatoes, you had no way of knowing."|hiiiiii]]
[[Loudly reply, "It sure is! Don't let it happen again!"|meanBread]]
[[Stop talking to potatoes|cheese]].*"How are things?"* asks potatoes.
(if: $stat's 10th is 1)[(set: $r to "Well, I got eaten by a grue earlier, but other than that, things are splendid!")](else-if: $stat's 9th > 0)[(set: $r to "Same as usual... I feel really good about my appearance today, though!")](else-if: $stat's 2nd > 0)[(set: $r to "Butter than average!")](else:)[(set: $r to "Just ducky! What a lovely day to do all the things in the kitchensphere!")]
[[Reply, "$r And yourself?"|howIsPotatoes]]
[[Softly reply, "...actually, I'm kind of sad. I'm not really sure why."|sadBread]]The fridge, and the entire kitchensphere is as quiet as you've ever heard it.
...and then...
...sobs, coming from the general direction of potatoes. You really done beefed this one up, (print:(words:$you)'s last)!
[[Apologize|sowwy]].
...
...
...
[[No, seriously, apologize|sowwy]]!!!"I... don't know what came over me," you mutter quietly. "Truly I am the rude one, the rudest (print:(words:$you)'s last) that ever was. I hope you can forgive me."
*"Of course,"* says potatoes, regaining their composure.
"I... hope you're well?" you awkwardly stumble-ask.
(display:"howIsPotatoes")(if: (text:$r)'s 1st is "B")[*"You and your bread puns, "* mumbles potatoes through a series of groans. ]*"(if: (text:$r)'s 1st is not "B")[Oh, ]I'm doing just great(if:(history:)'s last is "meanBread")[ now that that's behind us]! In fact... radishes and I have been dating! It's the best, I'm so so sososo happy..."*(if: (text:$r)'s 1st is not "B")[ gushes potatoes.]
[[Reply, "That's great! Radishes is such a sweetheart."|radishes]]
[[Reply, "Dawwwwwwww."|potatoesEnd]]
[[Stop talking to potatoes|cheese]].Potatoes' voice becomes serious, but caring. Familial, almost. *"Hey, we all have those days, (print:(words:$you)'s last). If this is happening a lot, though... you should think about seeing someone? I don't know if I've mentioned that I've been going to therapy for a few years now. Honestly, even when you think things are going well, it's good to have someone who'll listen. She's very good, I'd be happy to pass on her information."*
[[Reply, "Thank you, potatoes, you're always looking out for me."|potatoesEnd]]
[[Stop talking to potatoes|cheese]].*"I can hear you, you know,"* says radishes, chuckling. *"You're not so bad yourself, (print:(words:$you)'s last)."*
(display: "potatoesEnd")With (if: (history:)'s last is "howIsPotatoes")[a giggle](else:)[that], potatoes says *"Thanks for taking the time to chit-chat, (print:(words:$you)'s last)!"*(set:$stat's 8th to 1)
[[Reply, "Catch you soon, potatoes!"|cheese]]**WOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!**
Flames jump up and tickle your carbo-toes. They settle, and the pan heats up. (if:$stat's 4th >0)[You dry off a bit. (if:$stat's 4th is 1)[In fact, you're completely dry!](set:$stat's 4th -= 1)](else-if:$stat's 1st is 1)[The warmth reduces your staleness. You feel fresh and doughy!(set:$stat's 1st to 0)](else-if:$stat's 3rd > 0)[You're grilling up quite nicely! The cheesiness oozes through and around you. You smell delicious.(set:$stat's 5th to 1)(set:$stat's 6th += 1)](else:)[Things are getting nice and toasty under your planket. You are getting nice and toasty under your planket.(set:$stat's 6th +=1)] This is like a spa day, basically.
(if: $stat's 6th is 3)[I think you've had enough BLASTing for one day. You are... nearly inedible.](else:)[[[Go on, press the button|blast]]!]
[[Leave The Great Stovini|centralHub]].
[[End the day here, cozy in your planket|stoveEnd]].*YAWN*
It is so, so comfortable in here, like, gosh you don't even know. I mean, you do, but if anyone could somehow hear me, *they* wouldn't. I feel bad for them. You have made some good decisions, my friend.
(display: "end")(if:$closed>0)[You shut the door to your home. If you didn't live here, this would probably work like a normal fridge and it would be pitch black. But that's not the case! You live in a fridge, like a boss. This thing is decked out in Christmas lights, disco balls, lava lamps. You've even got a candle or two! You're living the dream, (print:(words:$you)'s last).](else:)[You open the door back up. You peek out. The kitchensphere is just as you left it.]
(display: "fridge")Oh, no! A lurking grue slithered onto the shelf and devoured you!
(if:$stat's 4th > 0)[*"BLECH!"* retches the grue, *"SOGGY (if:(words:$you)'s last is "sandwich")[SAMMICH](else:)[(uppercase:(words:$you)'s last)]!"* The grue spits you up and slithers right back whence it came. You open the door... let's try to keep the grue at bay this time, eh?
(set:$grueTime to 0)(set:$stat's 10th to 1)(display:"fridge")(print: "<script>$('html').removeClass('grue')</script>")](else:)[
Grues love (print:(words:$you)'s last)(if:$stat's 3rd>1)[e]s! As the grue chomps you up, you hear it say *"WHAT A (either:"DELIGHTFUL","DELICIOUS","DELECTABLE","GRUE-PLEASING",((uppercase:(words:$you)'s last))+"TASTIC") (display:"u"). MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF."*
Well, this day certainly had its ups and downs. At least you impressed a grue!
(display:"endMenu")](print: "<script>$('html').addClass('grue')</script>")(set:$grueTime+=1)(if:$grueTime>3)[(display:"eatenByAGrue")](else:)[It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.(if:$grueTime<2)[Wait, what?!]
[[I don't believe in grues, and I am enjoying the darkness thankyouverymuch|grueCore]]!(if:$torchTry<1)[
[[Use torch|grueTorch]].]
(link:"Open door")[(print: "<script>$('html').removeClass('grue')</script>")(set:$closed to 0)(set:$grueTime to 0)(goto:"doorHandler")].]You're $a (display:"u"), not a *torchbearing* (display:"u")!(set:$torchTry to 1)
(display:"grueCore"){(set:$grueTime to 0)
(set:$eaten to 0)
(set:$closed to 0)
(set:$torchTry to 0)
(set:$stat to (a:0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0))
(set:$nm to 0)
(print: "<script>$('html').removeClass('grue')</script>")}*The end*.
[[Be a new bread, start a new day|begin]]!
(link:"Skip straight to the kitchensphere as a fridge-dwelling bread")[(display:"reset")(set:$stat's 1st to 1)(set:$home to "fridge")(goto:"centralHub")].
(link:"Skip straight to the kitchensphere as a breadboxian bread")[(display:"reset")(set:$home to "breadbox")(goto:"centralHub")].
(display:"footer")Oh, hm, I guess that was rather uncalled for. You hoist one of your bread-legs up and promptly fall asleep like a flamingo. It wasn't a particularly long day, $you, and we didn't end it on a great note, but at least you look oddly comfortable.
(display:"endMenu")(css:"opacity:.3;font-size:40%;padding-top:5em")[*yum yum you are a bread* ©2019 bri hefele, licensed under a <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License</a>. Visit <a href="https://brhfl.com">brhfl.com</a>, maybe?]I get it, (display:"u"), sometimes you just don't have the energy to get out of bed and make a whole thing of things. If you're good, I'm good. And anyway, tomorrow's a new (print:(words:$you)'s last)-day!
*The end*.
[[Be a new bread, start a new day|begin]]!
(display:"footer")